To my 12-year-old daughter,
Now that you’re almost a teenager, it’s more and more obvious to me that
you are beautiful inside and out. I hope I tell you this often, since it’s
frequently on my mind. You and I may be driving to or from a seventh grade
party, and you are shining in a new dress, singing your favorite new songs.
I take it all in, listening.
I like the song “Most Girls” on your playlist. It reminds me that some
girls feel best in their tiny dresses, but some don’t. Some days you feel
good in your skin, some days you might not. The song says no two girls are
the same. I can see that some girls will need to learn how to love and
relate to boys. Some will need the same skills to have loving relationships
with girls. Everyone will need to learn to love and build loving
relationships.
The John Mayer song “Daughters” is another favorite of mine because it says
“Fathers, be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do.” I
hope that if I’m loving and kind, it might help you learn to be loving and
kind as you live your life. Learning to love requires time, good role
models and a lot of basic capabilities, such as manners.
Your mom and I believe you can handle whatever the future brings and that
our mission as parents involves three important jobs: to watch over your
safety and health, to love you no matter what and to teach you the skills
you need to be capable and to enjoy life as an independent adult. To
support that, we have learned to be better parents by taking classes and
volunteering at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Each program has
reminded us that it is possible to control only one person’s behavior: our
own. We don’t control you – that’s your job.
When you were young, Mom and I took you to PEP’s “Can Do Kids Fair” to
learn some of the practical skills we all will need in life. Our family
made repeat visits together so you could learn things like doing laundry,
vacuuming a big mess, planting a garden and making smoothies. One time we
built a wooden bookend together. At home, Mom and I have tried to load you
up with other learning opportunities so you can gain practice on grown-up
jobs you’ll need to do for yourself in just a few years. When the time is
right, I look forward to helping you learn to drive just the way we worked
together when you learned to ride a bike (but without the crash!).
Bike riding and driving aren’t the only life skills that require time and
collaboration to make gradual progress. Take relationships. There is no
“Can Do Kids Fair” to teach you how to love and care for someone as a
grown-up and experience your body with them. In some ways that’s a shame,
since learning how to love and care for others in a grown-up relationship
is complicated and more important than most of the other skills we learn in
life. You’d think there would be as many hours of required “loving
education” as there are of driver’s education. But for that, you must rely
on your family – especially Mom and me – for guidance. You can always ask
questions. We’ll never be judgmental, and I promise we’ll always be honest.
But … if I could create a “Can Do Kids Fair” to help you
build better loving relationships, here’s what I would include:
- The first thing is to get interested in the person you love.
Educator Al Vernacchio
likens it to ordering pizza: When you order a pizza with someone
else, you can’t assume they like what you like. People don’t always
like the same things. The truth is that relationships don’t work
well if you try to guess or “just know” what your partner wants.
For that, you need to get curious, ask questions and have
conversations. Compare notes.And don’t try to do complicated communicating by text, since you can’t read
a person’s face or get to know their interests and preferences. As girls
mature, they may find that dating someone without really connecting ends in
“ghosting,” which is when someone inexplicably stops seeing you, dating you
or communicating with you. I’m told this is getting more common, and I
wonder whether it’s just a sign that basic in-person communications (like
ordering pizza together) aren’t happening in the first place. - Though I wish it were as simple as the John Mayer song, I don’t
completely believe that daughters will love exactly as dads do! I’m
a dad. You’re a girl. If you are one of those girls who want a
relationship with a boy, I have some experience to share. Boys
often have thoughts and behaviors completely different from girls.
When you are ready, there are some
other John Mayer songs
about that.But since I was a boy once, I’ll suggest starting here: Boys can sometimes
be less mature than girls. They sometimes won’t share how they feel.
Sometimes boys and girls think similarly, but sometimes boys are just
thinking in a very basic way about sex. That’s no surprise, given all the
pop songs saying exactly that!What does a girl like you have to do to get along with a boy who is less
mature, less able to explain his thoughts and feelings and more distracted
(by sex)? Yep … you’ll have to get really curious and interested in
that person. You’ll have to communicate well and set clear boundaries. And
in the end, if your partner can’t do that, perhaps he’s not for you.
Finally, I noticed that your playlist includes “A Million Dreams” from “The
Greatest Showman.” I like its message of infinite possibility and
envisioning all the things the world can be. We both wonder what the future
holds for you. If I can be of any help navigating the next steps toward
loving relationships, “however big, however small, let me be a part of it
all” (as the lyric goes), until you are ready to go it alone … or
with someone special. I hope you will learn to love in all the ways that
keep you healthy and happy. I’m always here for you.
Love, Dad
